


Unloved

by ThatPlebWhoWritesMemes



Category: Internet & Social Media (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: /s4s/ Needs a Hug, 4chan, Angst, Crying, Depression, Diary/Journal, F/F, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Internet, Lies, Mentioned Kaname Madoka, Movie Reference, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, it's about a depressed young girl it's going to be sad, probably making this up as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2020-04-23 14:17:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19152739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatPlebWhoWritesMemes/pseuds/ThatPlebWhoWritesMemes
Summary: She was happy, blissful, and confident on the outside, but on the inside, she is a broken lump of self-hatred, who only comes out in secret. When a chance encounter brings a miserable young board into the arms of a caring adult, she is gifted a chance to fix herself.





	1. Unironic Depression

**Author's Note:**

> /ck/ hears a noise.

The boards of 4chan were...quirky, to say the least.

Of course, when "the least" is used prior to describing a mish-mash of bizarre creatures such as a two-dicked succubus, an overweight possum who lived in the dumpster, an unironic Nazi, an underweight dabbler in the supernatural, two Pokemon trainers and a cylindrical cat that offers (terrible) graphic design tips, then yeah, quirky is  _definitely_ to say the least.

But despite the differences each board had with the other, their knack for occasionally spreading "fail and AIDS", and disrupting the rest of the Internet (and in more recent years, getting visits whenever /pol/ does literally anything), 4chan remained that obscure super-home feared by the Tumblrs and Reddits of the rest of the Internet. Like that creepy house you and the boys stood outside of as a kid and theorizing what kind of witch lives in it.

Some boards were notorious. /b/ used to be  _the_ bad guy until /pol/ came back after his year-long exodus with /r9k/, and boy, did /pol/ shake the place up after Trump won somehow. /r9k/ was quite the character, and occasionally, the house was filled with the amphibious screams of the virgin robot. Such screams were compared to the Bitcoin enthusiast in /biz/ whenever his shares tumbled thanks to crypto's volatility.

Then there were the quieter, reserved, and downright okay boards, who just took the lemons and made the lemonade. Figuratively speaking, such boards included the younger ones, like /c/, /wsr/ and /cm/, and a few wiser and older people like /an/ and /po/.

And literally speaking, one was /ck/.

She couldn't have been more joyful. /diy/ had recently completed building a greenhouse around the lemon tree behind the house. For a while, the lemon tree had been subjected to harsh winters and blistering summers. Over the course of a few months, /diy/ planned, bought supplies for, and constructed the greenhouse, not only to shelter the tree, but also to provide a space for /out/'s homegrowing. Also, it was a good place for /b/ and /f/ to relocate their basement weed farm ("What are the cyber police gonna do? Backtrace me?").

Today, /ck/ was returning with a basket full of freshly picked lemons. She couldn't wait to use them in her recipes, especially the delicious lemonade she was planning on sharing with her husband, the caped """crusader""" in /co/. And it was a good occasion as well, for Thursday nights were "movie night" for the couple. Tonight, it would be /co/'s turn to pick the movie, and she was mentally considering what "kino" /co/ had ready.

 _"Two weeks ago, it was Iron Man 2...or was it Iron Man 3? Let me think...it was the one with the actor, and the President got kidnapped. Ah, that was the third movie then."_ /ck/ wasn't as obsessed with the Marvel movies as her husband, but she enjoyed them...some of them. Iron Man 3 wasn't as good as the first one, a sentiment she shared with /co/.

 _"If he's going in order, then what's after Iron Man 3? I saw a list, I think. Is it Captain America 2?"_ /ck/ pondered as she ascended the staircase.  _"Something about a soldier. Or is it Thor 2? I just love Chris Hemsworth and that chiseled body of his."_

/ck/'s thoughts about the actor were broken by the sound of a thud on the carpet. She looked down to the source of the noise. One of the lemons from her basket had rolled out.

_"Maybe I should get two baskets. Oh well, nothing a quick wash won't..."_

The skilled chef paused her line of thought as her ears pricked up. She could hear something down the hall. It sounded human, and it was definitely coming from one of the rooms.

There were three main levels of the house. The bottom floor was a common area, with a main kitchen, a television room, and other general areas of interest. The top two floors were, so to speak, apartments for every board to live in. The third floor was reserved for the veteran boards, who had been around the longest. The second floor was much more populated, and typically housed the boards who had arrived from 2008 onwards. /ck/ chose to move down to the second floor, citing closer proximity to the kitchen, though /diy/ helped construct a kitchen later once /co/ had married /ck/ and moved in.

As /ck/ listened out, she moved silently down the hall and pressed an ear up against some of the closed doors, hoping to isolate the source of the noise. As she got closer, she deduced the unmistakable sound of whimpering, and instantly tensed up.

Finally, at the fourth door, /ck/ stopped and heard the whimpering at its clearest and loudest.

 _"Crying? But this is..."_ she looked up and saw the inscription on the door,  _".../s4s/'s place."_

Anybody who lived in the house had had at least one encounter with /s4s/ on a monthly basis. She was a bright, cheerful young girl with one resolve on her mind: Spreading memes. Unfortunately, not everybody shared her philosophy and, as a result, saw the young girl as an undesirable annoyance. But she wasn't alone, no. Her demeanor had netted her good friends, like /co/'s estranged sister /mlp/, and basically every other girl of /s4s/'s age.

/ck/ was familiar with /s4s/ and considered her a friend too, but as she racked her brains, she could not find one single time that she was genuinely sad, let alone  _whimpering_ in her apartment.

It was...wrong.

Very wrong.

But what had brought about this wrong? That was what /ck/ wanted to know.

She instinctively turned the door handle without thinking clearly, but before the thought of knocking crossed her mind, the handle turned effortlessly and opened the door. /ck/, surprised at finding the entrance unlocked, silently strafed inside and closed the door behind her. Before she proceeded, she placed the lemon basket on the ground next to the girl's shoes and turned the lock.  _"Best that nobody else intrudes,"_ she thought.

As quiet as a mouse, /ck/ tiptoed to the open bedroom door and peered into the room.

And there she was. If there was any doubt in her mind that it was just one of /s4s/'s friends being comforted, the doubt was gone.

Laying on her side on top of her bed was /s4s/, facing away from the door and hugging her knees to her chest. Her hat was thrown to the floor and laying upside-down, but aside from her hat and removed shoes, she was still fully clothed. And she wasn't whimpering. No, the distance from here to the hall and the closed door must have muffled it, because /s4s/ was full on  _sobbing_ her eyes out.

For /ck/, it felt as if her heart was being stabbed. Sure, it was bad enough seeing a child like this, but this was /s4s/. She'd never even seen her upset.

She lightly rapped on the doorway to get the young girl's attention. /s4s/ immediately jumped, clearly frightened by the sudden and unexpected intrusion, and tried to throw herself under the covers that she had been resting on top of.

"D-Don't come in, I-" she shouted, obviously forgetting that the bedroom door had been wide open the whole time. As she flusteredly tried to hide herself, /s4s/ flipped around and immediately froze. For the first time, /ck/ could see just how puffy her eyes were.  _"How long has she been crying?"_

/ck/ silently walked towards the bed and drew the covers off of her before sitting down. As /s4s/ remained frozen, /ck/ decided to approach her slowly.

"Your eyes are puffy," she simply said.

For a brief moment, /s4s/ thought that /ck/ hadn't heard her crying after all. She quickly came up with an excuse. "A-ah, I have a-allergies...y-yeah," she said unconvincingly.

It probably would have worked on a more naive person, but /ck/ knew that the "allergies" lie was the oldest excuse in _Volume IV of Excuses For Why Your Eyes Are Puffy_. She ignored it and moved on.

"Please don't lie to me, sweetie. I saw you crying," /ck/ continued. Immediately, the fleeting hope of getting away with it vanished for /s4s/. Her chest suddenly felt as if it weighed a ton. She sniffled and swallowed a lump in her throat as she searched for a new excuse.

"I-I...had a...uh, n-nightmare," she lied, hoping desperately for /ck/ to fall for it. "I-I was getting...ch-chased by, um, a bad...guy?"

 _"That's also a lie,"_ /ck/ thought,  _"but I'll play along."_

"Oh, /s4s/. It's okay. The bad guy is gone," she sighed. "What was he like?"

The hope returned to the young girl.  _"I-It worked...keep lying!"_

"H-he was like a sh-shadow...with a big long knife!" /s4s/ described, throwing every trope out into the open as soon as it came into her mind. "He was swishing a-and swinging at m-me...a-and he had magic powers!"

/ck/ ran a finger across /s4s/'s cheek and wiped away one of the tears. "Hummmm...did he have magic powers that make little girls get dressed after the nightmare is over?"

She froze again.  _"Sh- frick..."_

"Sweetie, I have had nightmares before," /ck/ explained, "and nightmares don't make me get up, make my bed, get dressed, and start crying on my freshly-made bed."

/s4s/ shrunk in her spot and grabbed the hem of her dress. She looked down at her bare feet and began to shake. Her bluff had been called twice. She wanted the world to swallow her up and take her far away, far, far away from this confrontation.

"Please look at me, /s4s/."

She had no choice but to obey /ck/. The woman gently brushed away one side of the girl's hair to get a better look at /s4s/'s face. She got a good, up-close look at her red eyes, made raw by what she presumed was rubbing.

"If there is one thing that I know about you as a person," she said, "it's that you are not a liar. I also know that you are a very happy girl. And to see you in this...state, breaks my heart."

/s4s/ tried to look away in shame.

"No no no, look at me. Eyes on me."

It hurt to look at /ck/ again. The tears were back, and they were flowing down her cheeks.

"I want you to tell me the truth. Tell me everything. I don't want to leave this room until you are who you are. You are a lovely, happy young girl. I want you to be that."

_"A lovely, happy young girl."_

/s4s/ tried to look neutral, but /ck/'s words echoed in her head again and again. She couldn't do anything to stop her face from contorting into a messy grimace.

The dam finally burst.

/s4s/ threw herself into /ck/'s arms, taking the grown woman by surprise, and let out the most heart-wrenching, distraught wailing that /ck/ had ever heard. As the aural nightmare dissipated and all that was left was /s4s/'s pained sobbing, /ck/ tentatively wrapped her arms around her and rubbed the girl's back.

 

* * *

 

It had been all of five minutes since /s4s/ cracked. /ck/ had given her all the time she needed to let out every last tear she had, and all that was left of the girl was a shaking wreck. She planted a kiss on the girl's temple and stroked her neck.

"I know you're hurting, honey. Just take your time. You'll feel much better," /ck/ promised.

"I hate it."

/ck/ was finally getting somewhere.  _"Hate. It's such a strong word. Certainly nothing I want to hear from her."_

She squeezed /s4s/'s hand and looked into her eyes. "What do you hate?" she asked.

/s4s/ looked down, but /ck/ placed her hand under her chin and pulled her gaze back towards the grown woman. She swallowed a lump in her throat and sniffled. "Everything. I hate everything," she confessed.

"I see...what is it about 'everything' that you hate?" /ck/ asked. She handed another tissue to the girl, who took it and muttered a barely-audible "thank you" before blowing her nose.

As she tossed the crumpled up tissue onto the pile of already-used tissues, /s4s/ continued. "I hate who I am. I hate pretending that I'm happy. I hate myself. I hate...m-...I hate...I hate memes."

The last word almost felt like a dagger to both girls. To /s4s/, it was the full-blown confession she didn't want to make. She, the girl who appeared to love memes and everything about them, actually hated memes. It was ludicrous.

To /ck/, it was...basically the same thing. /s4s/, the girl who appeared to love memes and everything about them, actually hating memes. It was ludicrous. But it brought up another daunting realization.

 _"All those years...she seemed so happy when she was making memes, sharing memes, checking dubs...when did it become a facade to hide her self-hatred?"_ she thought. She quickly went through all her clearest memories of /s4s/, looking for any subtle differences in her behavior at any time. She couldn't pinpoint anything for certain.  _"It could have been years. Years of self-hatred. Was she never really happy at all?"_

/ck/ was hit with another realization. She was (most likely) the first and only person whom she had confided her secrets with, and since it was clear that her mental health was already suffering, this was a problem that she couldn't just fix in one day.

_"I can't just leave her alone. If she stays here, who knows what she might do? If she goes out and the others catch wind of it, she'll be in hell. /b/ would send her over the edge. I can't let her keep being somebody she isn't."_

/ck/ cleared her throat and ran a hand under /s4s/'s messy bangs. "Have you told anybody else?" she asked. /s4s/ shook her head.  _"Good, good. It's just me."_

"You're in a very, very bad way," /ck/ explained. "I think you have suffered enough."

/s4s/ shook her head again. "N-no, it's okay...I'll ju-" Immediately, /ck/ placed a hand on /s4s/'s shoulder, and the girl fell silent.

"You're not okay, sweetie," she continued. "You can not continue to be somebody who you hate. Not after everything you've just told me. Do you really think you're okay? Okay enough to see other people without cracking?"

That got a reaction out of /s4s/. Thankfully, it wasn't anger. The girl buried her face into /ck/'s chest and began to whimper. "No...no...y-you're right...I-I'm so sorry..."

"Please don't apologize," /ck/ sighed. She rubbed the girl's head and allowed her to stay hidden in her chest, even if the tears soaked into her dress. "You are hurt and you need healing. There is nothing about that that you should _ever_ apologize for."

/s4s/ calmed down a little after those reassuring words.

"Now," /ck/ continued. "I'm not going to leave you here to wallow. I'm going to bring you to my apartment. You will stay with me, and you will have somebody to talk to. I will not stop until you feel better and you know who you want to be. Would you like to do that?"

She didn't get a verbal confirmation, but she did feel /s4s/'s head move up and down along her chest.  _"So it's a yes."_

"Good girl. Go and grab some extra clothes. I'll check the hallway."

/ck/ got up off the bed and waited until /s4s/ opened her closet before leaving the room. She picked up the lemon basket, unlocked the front door, and quickly scanned the hallway. Nobody was around and she didn't hear anybody coming up the stairs. The entrance to her apartment was only a few doors down.  _"The fewer people who see her, the better."_

/s4s/ arrived at her side a minute later with a bundle of folded clothes in her hand. /ck/ took notice of a few of her purple dresses, a pair of her pajamas, and some of her black... _"undershorts, I think they're called. Yoga shorts? Leggings?"_ , she didn't know the exact term, some underwear, and a pair of shoes identical to the flats she was slipping onto her feet right now. She didn't have her hat on, nor did she carry one.

As soon as /ck/ was certain that they could get by unseen, she guided /s4s/ to her apartment, opened the door, and the two moved inside together.


	2. The Help She Needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /co/ comes into the picture. It doesn't start well.

/ck/ and /co/ owned a very nice apartment.

New boards were free to refurbish their new home once they arrived, and always started out with a bland apartment with one bed, one sofa, and the necessary fixtures such as a sink, a toilet, a bath and a shower. /diy/ did most of the heavy-lifting, such as constructing furniture, painting the walls, getting the water, heat, and gas to work, or installing a carpet. Smaller amenities, like towels and cushions, were handled by the owners.

Over the years, /ck/ and /co/ had improved their apartment. /co/ had managed to acquire a 65-inch 4K TV (from /b/, who had stolen it from downtown) and surround sound speakers to go with every Blu-ray and Ultra HD superhero movie he owned. /ck/ also traded in their two single beds for a king-size bed, and the walls of the apartment were painted hot rod red with gold skirting boards, an homage to Iron Man.

/s4s/ took little notice of any of those details as she entered the apartment. She kept her blurred gaze trained at her shoes.

/ck/ closed the door behind her and took the lemon basket to the kitchen. She grabbed a couple of Ziploc bags and placed most of the lemons into them.

"I'm going to make some lemonade. Would you like some?" /ck/ offered the girl. She shook her head.  _"Oh well."_

She watched /s4s/ trudge slowly to the sofa. The young girl climbed onto the cushions, let her shoes fall to the floor, and silently flopped onto her side without saying a word. /ck/ still couldn't believe that this was her true self.

She focused on making the lemonade for the time being. /co/ wouldn't return for another hour or two, so it gave her plenty of time to...  _"wait, how do I tell /co/ about this? Wait, how do I tell /s4s/ about this? Does she know?"_

/ck/ banished the thought to the back of her mind and juiced some lemons. Occasionally, she heard a heartbreaking sigh from across the room, just another grim reminder of the girl's pain. She glanced up a few times just to make sure that /s4s/ was still there and hadn't wandered off. Each time she did, /ck/ was met with her crestfallen expression.

_"She's been through too much, the poor dear."_

After about fifteen minutes, the lemonade was ready. She poured herself a glass and added some ice cubes. /ck/ placed the pitcher containing the rest of the lemonade into the refrigerator, and then moved to the sofa to sit with /s4s/.

The girl still hadn't moved from her spot, but judging by the tears rolling over the bridge of her nose, she had been letting out her emotions again.

"You feeling better?" /ck/ asked. /s4s/ simply shrugged.

She sipped her lemonade, _"perfect, maybe a little more soda water,"_ and gently extended a hand out to /s4s/'s shoulder. The touch made the girl twitch and shrink back a little, but she stopped being tense after a few seconds.

"Would you like to talk?"

That seemed to help. /s4s/ slowly propped herself up on her shoulder and sat upright before leaning into /ck/ and letting out a shaky sigh. /ck/ responded by wrapping her free arm around the girl and twirling some of her brown locks with her finger.

"Th-thank you..." /s4s/ mumbled.

/ck/ placed her lemonade on the coffee table and kissed the top of her head. "It's okay," she replied.

/s4s/ wasn't finished talking yet. She began to cry. "I was...so scared...to tell anybody...h-how I felt..." she whimpered, "...I th- thought they would laugh a-at me..."

 _"Laugh? That's just cruel. Nobody would laugh...well, /b/ might. /pol/ might, too."_ /ck/ squeezed the girl's shoulder and brought her closer.  _"But why me before her friends?"_

"Why didn't you tell your friends?" /ck/ asked her. /s4s/ seemed to tense up at that question. /ck/ gave the girl time to answer.

"W-well...I-I couldn't," she confessed.

"Why not?"

/s4s/ swallowed a painful lump in her throat and sighed. "I-I lied ab- about who I was f-for... _so long_. Wh-why would anybody be f-friends with...with me, i-if I told th-them I was a liar?" she sobbed.

 _"Well...technically, yes, you were lying, but you're most certainly not a liar."_ /ck/ used her finger to nudge /s4s/'s head to the side, making her face the grown woman. "You are not a liar. Don't say that," she said.

"But...but I am. I lied about m-myself for years."

/ck/ blinked a few times.  _"So it really was years. Oh my gosh, that's terrible. She doesn't deserve to be like this for one day."_

/s4s/ continued to speak. "B-being friends means n-no secrets...no lies," she said with a disheartened tone. "I lied e-everyday for years...why sh-should _anybody_  be my friend..."

"I'm still your friend," /ck/ interrupted her.

The unexpected reply made /s4s/ pause. She fell silent for ten seconds before sniffling and wiping her eyes. "Why?" she asked.

/ck/ smiled. "Because you told me the truth," she rationalized calmly, "and yet, even though you did what you did, I'm still your friend."

/s4s/ still wasn't convinced. "I-I don't care th-that I told the truth...I still lied for so long!" she protested, raising her voice in a way that make /ck/ slink back a bit.

"That doesn't matter. Is it better to tell the truth or keep lying?" /ck/ proposed.

It was sound logic that /s4s/ couldn't argue with. "I...I guess tell the truth," she admitted.

"Exactly. It's worse to get caught in a lie than to come clean," /ck/ explained as /s4s/ buried her head into the woman's chest and sighed. "When you tell the truth, you're showing the world that you're remorseful for lying. Imagine if your friends found out the truth and you didn't tell them. It wouldn't be very nice now, would it?"

_"This isn't like a 'who ate the last cookie' or 'who broke the window' kind of lie. This is in a completely different ballpark. I should probably mention that."_

/s4s/ swallowed again. "N-no...they would hate me...b-but..."

/ck/ had to interrupt her to speak her mind. "Let me say something. What you lied about is so different to other lies," she explained. "They might be upset, or scared, or even a bit from both columns, but they wouldn't hate you."

The girl looked down again, but /ck/, resolving to keep the girl facing her, gently moved her head back. "I-I don't understand. It's still a lie..." she admitted.

"If you broke your best friend's toy and you lied about it, but then they find out you did it and you lied, they wouldn't like you. Correct?" /ck/ proposed.

/s4s/ mumbled a near-silent "yes."

"You were hurting and pretending you were okay. Yes, you lied, but why would your friends  _hate_ you for that?"

The girl gulped and wiped her eyes. "I-I don't know..."

"And that's it. Why would your friends hurt you even more? Like I said, they would be scared or upset or both," she triumphantly emphasized, "but they would never hate you. They're your friends. They are there for you." /ck/ smiled and petted the girl gently.  _"Now she understands. A little bit of logic is all she needed."_

Still feeling unsure, /s4s/ had one more question on her mind. "But...wh-what if they do h-hate me?" she asked shakily.

/ck/ paused. It was a good question, but one that was easily answered. "Sweetie, if they hate you for hiding all of your pain for years, just so you could put a smile on their face...were they _really_ your friends?"

/s4s/ wanted to look down, but /ck/ had kept her hand under her chin to stop her from looking away. "Y-you're right...i-if they hate me...then they weren't my friends," she said. 

The grown woman picked /s4s/ up and sat her on her lap, and the two sat in silence for a few minutes. /s4s/ nestled her face into /ck/'s neck and stayed still. /ck/ gently stroked the girl's shoulder and allowed her to ruminate on the conversation.

"I don't want to tell the truth...not yet..." she admitted.

"Why is that?"

"...I-I'm scared o-of how they'll...react and stuff."

/ck/ hugged her tighter and played with her hair again. "That's perfectly reasonable, dear. Telling the truth can be scary. I won't force you to. I want you to do it on your own terms," she said, proposing a deal.

_"...son of a BITCH, /co/'s going to be back soon."_

The woman cleared her throat. "However...I should have mentioned that my husband will be here soon," she confessed.

"H-husband?" /s4s/ shakily asked.

"You know /co/, right? Tall, blue trenchcoat, mask?" /ck/ said with a small smile on her face. "I'm married to him."

/s4s/ froze.  _"Sh-she...married!? What if he asks questions!? I'm not ready to tell the truth!"_ The girl began to breathe rapidly and placed her hands on her temples. "I-I can't tell him...not now!" she began hyperventilating.

"/s4s/, calm down! Calm down!" /ck/ grabbed her and hugged her tightly. She allowed her to cry into her shoulder for a minute. "I'll just tell him that you're sad. That's all."

"But...but you're lying..."

/ck/ smiled and held the girl's cheeks in the palms of her hands. "Technically, no. You _are_ sad, aren't you?" she asked. /s4s/ nodded her head weakly. "Of course. I'll handle everything. You trust me, don't you?" /s4s/ nodded again.

"Lovely. Now, would you like a glass of lemonade?"

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, the two were sitting on the sofa, sipping their lemonades. /ck/ simultaneously drank her glass while rubbing /s4s/'s back in a circular rhythm to keep the girl calm.

The sound of the door handle turning broke the silence. /s4s/ felt her whole body tense up, so she placed her lemonade down on the coffee table. /ck/ quickly brushed the girl's bangs to the side and gave her a pat on the back.

"/ck/, I'm home," called out the masked man as he shuffled inside. "I've finally decided that I'm skipping  _Thor: The Dark World_ for tonight, we can watch that next time because it suuu- _uuuucks_. Tonight, we'll watch  _Captain America: The Win-_ oh."

/s4s/ could feel /co/'s gaze, but her body refused to return it. She felt a chill run through her body.

"Hey, honey. /s4s/ is feeling a little sad. I've invited her to stay for a few nights until she gets back on her feet, isn't that right?" /ck/ nudged the girl's shoulder. She nodded glumly. "I hope she's not intruding."

/co/ scoffed nonchalantly. "Ah, that's nothing. She can stay as long as she needs until I see her smile again," he chuckled. She walked to the sofa and kneeled down in front of her.

"H-hi, /co/."

He could see that she'd been crying, but chose not to pressure her. "Do you like superheroes?" he asked her.

"A lit...yeah, I like superheroes," the girl nodded again.

/co/ cracked a smile. "Well, I've got all the superheroes you want. It's our movie night and we're gonna watch Captain America beat up the bad guys," he said. "You like Captain America?"

/s4s/ just kept nodding...

"Ah, that's wonderful. You'll love him in this movie."

...and nodding...

"You know his first movie was released in 2011, right?"

...and nodding...

"Check those dubs!"

...and she froze stiff.

Dubs.

For years, she'd pretended to love them.

They were just stupid numbers. So what if they ended in the same two digits?

The hatred immediately transformed into something worse: Self-hatred. Her burning hatred for herself. How she lied for years and pretended to be a happy person. The lies. The pain. The secrecy. It hit her like a slap to the face. She choked out a sob just as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

_"_ _Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid memes! Stupid dubs! Only a stupid dumb idiot like you would like something so stupid and dumb!"_

"H-hey, are you-"

/s4s/ refused to listen. She jumped off of the sofa and pushed /co/ aside. From there, she bee-lined straight to the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. She jumped on the bed and mashed her face into one of the pillows.

And she bawled.

 

* * *

 

/co/ hadn't expected that.

As the muffled sounds of a crying child echoed through the apartment, /co/ picked himself up and sat in /s4s/'s spot wordlessly. He'd never, ever seen /s4s/ like that in his life.

"I said something wrong, didn't I?" he dead-panned.

"Yeah," /ck/ confirmed.

/co/ sighed. "What's up with her?" he asked.

It was the chef's turn to let out a sigh. "She'll tell you when she's comfortable," she explained. "Try not to talk about memes. She's not in the mood."

"Oh...tell her I'm sorry, then."

/ck/ nodded, but as she heard another horrible wail from their bedroom, she sat still. "When she calms down," she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [me writing this stuff.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuJvZdKlJH8)
> 
>  
> 
> S100/D0


	3. Regret & Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /s4s/ remembers what happened before /ck/ found her. Now, she feels safe.

_/s4s/ climbed the stairs with her friend, the adorable and frilly /c/._

_"You're such an awesome friend to have, /s4s/," /c/ cheerily spoke, tucking some stray strands of her long, golden hair behind her ear. "You're so happy all the time!"_

_The short-haired girl responded with a feverish chuckle and smiled at /c/. "Haha, yeah, being happy is great, ya dumdum!" she replied._

"Dumdum. That's what I'll always be. A miserable one,"  _ _s_ _he thought bitterly.__

_It hurt her deeply to force herself to smile and laugh. She had to do it all day. She'd done it every other day for...gosh, she didn't know how long it had been. And then she'd have to do it the next day, and the day after that, and so on. It hurt more to say stupid crap like "this is nice dubs" on repeat like a broken record. But this was her life now, and she was fully committed to it, even if it hurt her day after day._

_What hurt her most of all was that today was just another day of being a no-good, terrible, very bad liar. /s4s/ knew that she couldn't reveal her true self to anybody, lest her friends disown her for her lies. Getting help was out of the question, because her friends would find out. She was sure of it. So, she was backed into a corner for the rest of her life. A lifetime of hating herself and never being able to fix it._

_Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she stopped outside her apartment. She let /c/ lean in and hug her tightly._

_"Do you wanna do something tomorrow?" /c/ asked._

_It made /s4s/ cringe on the inside. Another commitment she didn't want to fulfill. Another long, painful period of keeping herself peppy and cheerful on the outside, while she continued to break on the inside._

_"Sure!"_

_She didn't want to do it, but she had no choice_ but _to do it. She couldn't afford to disappoint her friends even once. If she did disappoint them, they would ask questions. And questions, if personal enough, she couldn't handle. She'd falter and shatter and the truth would soon be out. There was no other choice for her._

_"Cool!" /c/ cheered. "I'll come by at, uhhhh, are you free at three o'clock?"_

_"Yup! I'll see you then!"_

"Three o'clock, huh. Good. I'll have hours to cry everything out," _she thought._

_/s4s/ opened her apartment door and waved goodbye to /c/, who returned her wave and started to skip to the stairs. The girl closed the door, kicked off her flat shoes, and waited until she could no longer hear the footsteps._

_As the sound finally faded, she bolted straight for her bedroom. She hadn't even taken two steps before the first choked sob escaped her throat, and by the fifth step, tears had begun to run down her cheeks. Without a care in the world, she flung the door open and threw herself onto her bed._

_The bedroom of her apartment was her ultimate sanctuary. She lived right next to a window on the second floor and the walls that separated apartments were very thick. As an added bonus, she lived next to /sci/ and /asp/, two boards who simply never had a reason to interact with her. Even if they did hear her, they wouldn't care. Both were much too focused on their own interests._

_She could lay there on her bed and cry for as long as she needed to, or just stew in her own juices for a while._ _/s4s/ had chosen to cry. The pain that had been building up inside her could finally come out. It had been a long, long day with /c/, and at times she'd felt so close to cracking._

"Every. Single. Day," _she scolded herself silently._ "It's the same _crap_ every day. And you're the crap."

_/s4s/'s depression had started out as just being sad that the people she'd tried to spread memes to would just treat her like a constantly-ringing phone. It bugged her a lot, but she forced it to the back of her mind when she was with friends._

_But as months went by, /s4s/ was slowly coming to a daunting and scary realization. She looked at memes differently. She considered how they seemed to annoy the people around her. Soon, /s4s/ was looking at memes and what they literally were. Repeating numbers. Nonsensical phrases. Silly pictures. And she finally realized why people hated her for them._

_It was the realization that she wanted to deny, but she couldn't. They were just stupid little things. They weren't funny in their own right. They were immature, unfunny, and ridiculous._ _And she hated herself for liking them._

_From that moment on, /s4s/ was imbued with a growing sense of self-loathing. She wasted years on something so stupid that had been the main component of her personality, and now she had nothing. She was a shell with nothing to occupy it._ _But she couldn't tell her friends that._

_And once she'd lied and started pretending to be the girl she once was, /s4s/ was digging a deeper and deeper hole._

_She wished she had told them the truth a long time ago._

_But now, it was too late._

"Useless. Pathetic. Stupid. A waste of perfectly good air,"  _she thought, letting out a louder-than-usual whimper. She had nothing left. No outs. No solutions. She was committed to living a lie for the rest of her life. She didn't mind the pit in her stomach that grew with every passing second._

_It was for the best._

_Usually, she would close the door before crying. But this time, she'd left it wide open, just like the opportunity for her louder cries to be heard by anybody in the hallways._

* * *

/s4s/ finally fell silent. Her last cries had dissipated into sad hums through her lips, like a whimpering dog.

She felt terrible. Rotten. Despicable, even. All /co/ had done to her was make her feel better, but remembering the waste of time that dubs had given her hurt really badly. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to come back out. She felt ashamed for pushing him away.

The bedroom was very quiet, with the only noise being the quiet sounds from the kitchen. /ck/ was probably making dinner. Even though she felt hungry, she didn't feel like eating. Topkek snacks were out of the question, of course, considering that the brand name was one of her "favorite" memes.

All of a sudden, the kitchen noises (mostly the clinks of what /s4s/ thought were utensils and plates) stopped. She heard /ck/'s voice, but she didn't know what she was saying. However, she could infer that it was something along the lines of "I'm going to talk to her."

If there was one thing /s4s/ was good at, it was guessing things from evidence. As soon as she heard footsteps approaching, she stiffened up and remained perfectly still. The bedroom door opened behind her, and /ck/ came into the room.

"Hey, honey," /ck/ softly whispered, closing the door so that she could talk to her privately. "Are you feeling any better?"

/s4s/ didn't know why /ck/'s voice was so soothing, but just listening to it made her feel much less uneasy. She sat up and hugged her legs. "Yeah...I'm feeling better," she mumbled.

She looked up at /ck/, who had all of her clothes in her arms. "That's good. I've got your clothes. I'll just place them next to you...we'll decide where to put them after dinner," she said, placing /s4s/'s folded clothes on the foot of the bed. She took both pairs of her shoes and placed them on the floor.

_"She's like a mommy..."_ /s4s/ thought.  _"I never had someone be like a mommy to me..."_

/ck/ sat next to her and started to rub her back. "/co/ says that he's sorry," she explained.

/s4s/ shook her head. "No...no, it wasn't his fault. He doesn't know the truth about me. I-I just had really bad memories of all my lies a-and..." she paused to sniffle and wipes her eyes, "...I-I'm sorry."

"There's no need to say sorry," /ck/ replied. "He knows not to talk about memes when you're around now, sweetie." The girl leaned into /ck/ and wrapped her arms around her. /ck/ gently placed her hand on /s4s/'s head and rubbed it softly.

"I-I like you."

/ck/ smiled. "That's nice. I like you as well."

The girl nodded and buried her face into /ck/'s chest again. "I mean, like...you're like a mommy to me..." she tried to explain. /ck/ perked up a bit and curiously listened to the girl. "O-other grown-ups, they either think I'm annoying...or they're just friends who liked me when I...pretended to be somebody else, but you're...you don't see me like that."

The woman looked confused. "I'm not sure what you mean," she admitted.

"You treat me like I'm a normal person...like a daughter," /s4s/ continued to speak. "I-I've never had anyone treat me that way because I've been on my own for a long time. You're the only one I feel comfortable talking to...b-because you know how I feel, and you know what to say to make me feel better..."

The words made /ck/ smile widely as she held /s4s/ closely and awkwardly hugged her. "I'm flattered that you think of me as a mother," she pleasantly responded, "and of course I treat you like a normal person."

/s4s/ wanted to smile, just a little, but it was as if her mind held her back. "And because I told you the truth, and you're the only one I've told," she kept speaking, "and you understand me and treat me nicely...that's why I like talking to you. I feel safe around you...you're really smart. You'll know how to help me. And I don't wanna be away from you."

"Like I said," /ck/ replied softly, "I won't let you leave until you feel better, until _you_  can truly say that you're a happy girl." She emphasized her point by placing her finger on /s4s/'s chest.

_"I just want to keep listening to her voice. It's so comforting,"_ /s4s/ thought.

/ck/ stood up and brushed down her apron. "I've made dinner, in case you're hungry. You don't have to come out if that's what you want," /ck/ offered.

/s4s/ shook her head. "No, no, it's okay. I'll come out and have dinner," she said. The girl pushed herself off of the bed and landed on her feet on the carpeted floor.

Leaning down to pat the girl on the head, /ck/ gave her a warm smile and looked at her face. "You're a brave girl. Don't ever forget that," she praised. "Go wash your face and hands and I'll put some delicious food on your plate."

"H-hey, /ck/?"

"Mmm?"

/s4s/ looked down and twiddled her fingers nervously, but as she remembered the numerous times /ck/ made her look up, she quickly looked up at her. "C-can I sleep with you i-in your bedroom?" she asked. "F-for safety?"

"Of course you can, dear," /ck/ approved, maintaining her smile. "I wouldn't have let you sleep alone, especially after what you told me."

The girl nodded quickly and dashed to the bedroom door, opening it, and streaking out of sight to freshen up in the bathroom. /ck/ looked at the empty doorway, wondering if she had seen a sliver of a smile on the girl's face.

* * *

Dinner that evening was freshly prepared hamburgers and roast potatoes. The hamburgers consisted of fluffy buns, a freshly cooked and tender beef patty, melted Parmesan cheese, and diced onions, with the option of adding ketchup or mustard.

/s4s/ hadn't realized it, but for years, most of what she had eaten were snacks and desserts. Having a real meal was certainly rare. She wanted to make /ck/ happy, so she ate her hamburger with ketchup.

_"This is a tasty burger,"_ she thought as she drank some Sprite from her cup.  _"She's really good at making food."_ It was all the more reason to like /ck/. While she tried some of the roast potatoes, /co/ continued to talk about his day.

"So we're just playing NieR: Automata, right?" /co/ said to his wife. "And /v/'s absolutely furious. He's screaming all,  _what the hell is the point of these stupid minigames, I just want to look at 2B's glorious a-_ " he stopped, remembering that /s4s/ was at the table, "ahem,  _amenities!_ And I gotta say, she's got the amenities, if you know what I mean."

"Maybe I should go to /cgl/, maybe my amenities would look even more appealing if I were 2B," /ck/ replied.

/co/ stroked his chin. "I can't tell if you're serious or not," he mused, before switching back to the topic. "Anyway, /v/ loses the minigame for, like, the twelfth time, and he's finally had enough. So, he throws his controller out of rage, straight through the window and into the garden. And he says to himself,  _damn it, /diy/ said he's done installing new windowpanes here._ "

/ck/ nearly choked on her food as she laughed.

Meanwhile, /s4s/ hadn't been listening to /co/'s story. She was still finishing off her hamburger.

"You enjoying your food?" /co/ asked her.

/s4s/ nodded. "I like the burger. Thank you, /ck/," she said quietly. She saw /ck/ smile again. 

"Trust me, /s4s/. My wife can cook  _anything_. You're lucky to have a girl like her around," /co/ spoke. "We've got cookbooks laying around. If there's anything you find in a cookbook that you want to have, /ck/ will make it for you. Anything you want from us, it's our pleasure, kid."

She felt safer around /co/ after the first mishap, but she still felt uneasy about telling him the truth. "Thank you, /co/," she replied.

"Anyway, if you're still up for watching  _Captain America: The Winter Soldier_ , you can join us," /co/ offered.

* * *

/s4s/ had seen only one superhero movie in her life, and, in fact, she had rarely seen any movies in general.

The only movies she ever recalled seeing had come from three occasions. The first movie (and the only one she saw before she began hating memes) was  _The Dark Knight Rises_ , which she had found after figuring out who this "Bane" person was. /tv/ had been talking about him and the CIA for a long time.

The second movie she saw was when /a/ had been screaming for weeks about "Kay Tie" and how it found a way. It had led her to an anime movie called  _Your Name_ , which she liked a lot.

The most recent movies she had seen happened when /c/ invited her to a movie night with her, /x/ and /e/. They watched three movies:  _Frozen, Brave,_ and _Moana_. She had liked _Moana_ way more than the other two, although her internal struggle at the time prevented her from really appreciating it more than usual.

She didn't know what to expect out of this Captain America movie. She had heard that it was part of a long series of superhero movies that were all connected to each other.

/s4s/ figured out quickly that the muscular and speedy man was Captain America, but she had no idea who the black guy was. Captain America was working with his friend, an agent named Natasha Romanoff, to stop the bad guys.

Her lack of superhero knowledge finally caught up to her. The guy with the eyepatch was suddenly being attacked and then got killed by a masked man with a robotic arm, and then all of a sudden, Captain America was attacking the people he worked with. There was some stuff about an evil German group that has infiltrated Captain America's team. /s4s/ didn't know what was going on, but she kind of liked it.

The masked man was called the Winter Soldier and apparently he was working as an assassin for the bad guys, who wanted to kill millions of people around the world who they consider threats to them. Soon, /s4s/ found out that Captain America knew who the Winter Soldier was: he was his best friend as a child, brainwashed by the bad guys.

It made /s4s/ think. The Winter Soldier wasn't who he really was. He was being somebody he wasn't meant to be. Just like her.

She was more engrossed in the movie from that point onward. The eyepatch man had faked his death, and he worked with Captain America and Natasha to expose the bad guys and stop them from killing millions. Captain America refused to fight the Winter Soldier, which /s4s/ didn't understand at first, but when the Winter Soldier saved Captain America and left him on a riverbank, she realized something: Captain America was trying to get through to him, and it worked.

_"Captain America is like /ck/ and I'm the Winter Soldier, kinda."_

The movie ended with some extra scenes. The bad guys were experimenting on two people with a scepter, and the Winter Soldier was looking at his museum exhibit.

/s4s/ liked the movie, even if she didn't understand a lot of it.

* * *

 While /co/ was showering, /ck/ and /s4s/ decided to go to bed. The girl climbed into the bed just as /ck/ started getting settled. /ck/ wrapped one arm over /s4s/'s body and pulled her into a gentle hug before tugging the covers over her shoulder.

"Did you like the movie?" /ck/ whispered.

/s4s/ nestled into /ck/'s warmth and buried her head into her chest. "Mm-hm," she mumbled.

"That's nice to hear."

There was silence between the two for a while, before /s4s/ spoke up.

"I'm like the Winter Soldier," she said.

/ck/ used her free hand to stroke the girl's hair softly. "How so?" she asked.

"Well...a little bit. He was brainwashed to be a different person," /s4s/ tried to explain, "but at the end of the movie, he changed. I was kinda like him, but not brainwashed."

"Oh, I see what you mean," /ck/ replied. "You're not different as in  _evil_ , of course, but I get it."

"Is he in other movies?" /s4s/ asked.

/ck/ thought for a minute, trying to remember where she had seen the Winter Soldier. She knew he was in at least two other movies, but she didn't know which ones. "He might be in another Captain America movie, sweetie. You'll have to ask /co/," she conceded.

"I heard it's, like, there's way more movies and they're all part of a big story..."

"Ah, yes. That's right. It's a whole cinematic universe, they call it."

"...so do I have to watch all the other movies to understand it?"

"I guess so."

/s4s/ adjusted her head so that her cheek rested on /ck/'s arm, while still remaining snuggled into her warm chest, and wriggled her arms around her. She felt so nice, like a cocoon of safety to protect her.  _"Like a mommy..."_

"I love you, /ck/..."

"Goodnight, /s4s/. I love you too."

For the first time in a long time, /s4s/ slept through the night without crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you caught the Pulp Fiction reference, enjoy. I want to add more subtle references to films.


	4. Okay, Real Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /s4s/ needs to show /ck/ something.

/s4s/ woke up slowly in the morning.

For a moment, she thought that she had woken up in her bedroom again, ready to grind out another terrible day in her life. However, the warm embrace that held her tightly in the comfortable bed reminded her of the safety that she now had. /ck/ was still fast asleep and holding the young girl.

She moved a little bit and snuggled deeper into /ck/. /s4s/ really liked how warm and soft she was. The older woman wore a pink cotton nightgown that felt like silk on the young girl's bare skin. She nestled into /ck/'s chest and sighed. Her breasts were very soft and pillowy.

/s4s/ wanted this embrace to never end. /ck/ truly felt like a mother to her. She treated her like a daughter and understood the pain she felt, and she took her into her own home. She fed her dinner and talked to her when she felt down. And she gave her a warm bed to sleep in. She had somebody she could talk too.

At the same time, /s4s/ felt scared. Even though /ck/ was there, she had things on her mind that she didn't want to talk about, things that she was really scared to reveal to her. But deep down, she knew that she had to talk about them.

"If I don't tell her, I-I'll just make myself feel worse..." /s4s/ thought.

It was something she had to do. She'd bottled up her true feelings for years and it did her absolutely no good. She couldn't just start again so soon. She had to come out and face her demons, no matter how scary they seemed.

* * *

"See ya later, honey," /co/ called out, straightening his trenchcoat.

/ck/ looked up, distracted from washing the dishes. "Where are you heading off to?" she asked.

"My sister's place," he replied. "Mental breakdown over some MLP stuff. Leaks, or something."

"Ah. Tell her I said hi."

/co/ adjusted his fedora and passed the sofa, where /s4s/ sat in silence, staring at her feet. He stopped right behind her and gave the girl a little pat on the head. "Hey there, sweetie. Feel better," he said earnestly.

"Thank you."

Satisfied, /co/ left the apartment, leaving just /s4s/ and /ck/ to spend time together. He still didn't know what had happened to her, but /ck/ had told him that she wasn't ready to come out with it just yet. She'd found her this way and, as a result, she was the only one with whom she could feel comfortable with talking to.

"Time. That's all she needs," he thought.

/ck/ worked on the dishes, occasionally eyeing /s4s/ in case she wandered away. Each time, she saw the young girl sitting still, looking sadly at her bare feet.

"Would you like a snack, dear?" she called out.

"Uh-uh..."

The woman looked up, picking up on the tone in her voice. /s4s/ appeared to be bowing her head a little bit more. Taking it as a cue to investigate further, /ck/ placed the dish she was cleaning into the rack and walked to the sofa.

On closer inspection, she was justified in checking up on her; /s4s/ was crying again, though quietly as if to not attract attention from the chef. /ck/ placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, feeling her react ever so slightly to the touch.

"There, there. Don't conceal it," she encouraged softly. "Don't hold it in."

/s4s/ didn't move, but she took /ck/'s advice to heart and began to blubber. /ck/ leaned in and held the young girl close.  _"This crying...it's different,"_ she thought.  _"She's noisier and she's not sniffling."_

She kept the girl company, holding her tightly until her sobbing started to die down.

"I-I need to t-talk..." /s4s/ whimpered.

/ck/ smiled, gently brushing the girl's hair with her slender fingers. "Talk to me," she kindly replied. /s4s/ wiped her nose, prompting /ck/ to retrieve a tissue from her apron. The girl nodded and took the tissue without saying a word.

"I need to...go back to my room..." she started to say, as she wiped her nose.

The words made /ck/ stiffen. "No, no," she sighed, petting the girl firmly. She nudged her head up until she made eye contact with her. "You're not in the right headspace."

/s4s/ shook her head. "N-no, I don't mean...I have to get some things..." she clarified, leaning in to nestle into /ck/'s warm chest. "I need them...to show you...you need to see them..."

/ck/ swallowed, feeling guilty for assuming the worst. "Oh, oh, of course, honey," she said, giving the girl a kind smile. "I'm sorry I assumed that...yeah. I'll take you."

They both got up, and /s4s/ rushed to her room to put on some shoes. As soon as she was done, /ck/ opened the door and peered out into the hallway, making sure nobody was around to see /s4s/. Once satisfied that nobody would see them, /ck/ took /s4s/ down the hall and to her room.

"Shall I wait for you out here?" /ck/ asked.

The girl shook her head immediately. "N-no, I don't want to be alone..." she mumbled, a hint of panic lacing her voice. "I don't want you to leave me..."

/ck/ held /s4s/'s head in her palm and pulled her in, resting the girl's cheek on her hip. "I understand," she replied, opening the door.

She followed the girl through her apartment. /ck/ noticed her averting her eyes away from some things, so she looked around the apartment. The presence of some meme posters gave her the idea that /s4s/ didn't want those visuals to bother her. The girl opened her bedroom door and walked inside slowly, trying not to look at anything related to memes. It was difficult, however, when her whole bedroom was a shrine to memes.

"I...I..."

Clearly, just being in her bedroom had a negative impact on her. /ck/ knelt on one knee and stroked the girl's cheeks, wiping up a tear that had been slowly snaking its way down her face. "Is it too much?" she asked.

/s4s/ nodded. "E-Every...th-thing reminds...me..." she sniffled, keeping her gaze trained on the floor. She swallowed thickly and wiped her eyes. "I-I need...it's next t-to the b-b-bed...th-the plushie..."

The chef looked up at the bed, which still bore the sunken shape of the girl's body in the covers. She walked around the bed and looked down. Immediately, her eyes trained on a decently-sized plush of an anime girl that she couldn't recognize. She walked over and picked up the toy, presenting it to /s4s/.

"Is this her?"

The girl looked at the toy and nodded quickly. She quickly grabbed it and hugged it tightly. "Y-yes, it's my Madoka..." she confirmed, burying her face into the plush's soft hair. "N-now...you n-need to look under the bed...th-there's a bunch of books...they're my diaries..."

/ck/ got low on the floor and peered under the bed. Immediately, she saw a small stack of purple books with spiral binding. She pulled them out from under the bed and looked at each cover.

_-/s4s/'s Diary 2016_

_-/s4s/'s Diary 2017_

_-/s4s/'s Diary 2018_

_-/s4s/'s Diary 2019_

Just looking at the covers of each diary painted a picture of the girl's decline. The 2016 diary was scribbled with happy faces and numbers, but by 2017, it was apparent that her mood had taken a turn for the worst, because the cover had no scribbles. She noticed that the cover of the 2018 and 2019 diaries had little spots stained on them. Teardrops, maybe?

"I've got your diaries, honey," /ck/ said, ushering the girl out of the room as fast as she could. "Let's go back."

/s4s/ didn't respond, but she was very quick to scamper out of her bedroom and run to the door. /ck/ studied how she held her plush toy tightly, pressing the doll's head against her cheek. It looked a tad worn, but was otherwise in pristine condition.

She didn't know the character, so she wasn't familiar with the anime series it came from. In all honestly, /ck/ wasn't familiar with anime in general. Despite that, she guessed that the character meant a lot to her.

The quick trip back to her apartment passed without anybody seeing them. /s4s/ immediately ran to the couch and sat down, still holding her plush in her arms. /ck/ placed the diaries on the coffee table and sat beside her.

"Happy?" she inquired.

/s4s/ didn't move, but she squeaked out a little "uh-huh".

The woman adjusted her body, angling her legs towards the girl and leaning down to peer at the plush. "What's her name?"

"Madoka..."

/ck/ regarded the plushie with plenty of interest. She quite liked its extravagant costume, which consisted of a pink and pastel yellow bodice, white gloves, and a poofy white skirt.

"Is she special to you?" /ck/ pressed, resting her hand on /s4s/'s shoulder. "Is that why you need her?"

The girl nodded and held out the plushie, encouraging /ck/ to hold her. She gently grabbed the plushie and let her fingers delicately play with some of the looser fabrics, such as the pink hair and the ribbons.

"I...bought her...two years ago..." /s4s/ explained, "...I felt so l-lonely, because I-I couldn't...I-I thought I couldn't...tell anybody..."

It didn't take long for /ck/ to put two and two together.

"S-so I bought her.../toy/ g-got it for me. She d-doesn't know...about this..." the girl continued, stammering as she began to whimper. "Madoka, she...I t-talked to her, a-about my feelings and...sh-she's, she can't tell anybody, because she's j-just a toy...but sh-she makes me feel better...I-I had somebody to talk to..."

/ck/ placed the plushie in /s4s/'s lap and rubbed her back slowly. "You talked to her so that you couldn't let the bad feelings grow inside you, is that right?" she asked.

/s4s/ nodded. "Yes...I had really bad th-thoughts...like, really,  _really_ bad thoughts..." she admitted.

"What do you mean?"

The girl swallowed a lump in her throat and curled her fingers up in her dress. "I...I thought a-about...like, running away..." she said, but she started to sob. "O-oh G-God...I-I'm a mess...I shouldn't be..."

/ck/ pulled her in for a hug quickly. "Calm down, calm down honey. Get the bad thoughts out," she whispered.

"I-I-I'm sorry...I h-had memories of m-me having bad thoughts-s-s-s..."

She remained still, crying into /ck/ for a few more minutes until she finally felt brave enough to keep talking.

"So...I thought about really running away...s-so I'd never have to be sad..." /s4s/ explained, trembling with fear, "a-and sometimes I...I would think, i-if I s-still wanted to do it tomorrow, I-I'd run away...I never wanted to...b-but I had plans. I-I'd get a backpack and j-just run out at night...I w-...I wouldn't know where I'd g-go...I'd just run..."

/ck/ dragged a finger up her cheek to wipe away one of her tears. "What made you decide to stay?" she asked gently.

"I-If I ran away...th-they would find out why...b-but I'd let them down too...I couldn't just leave," she whimpered.

The woman kept rubbing her back in circles to ease her.

"I had...even worse thoughts..." she admitted. "I-I don't think you should...no, you should..."

/ck/ held her breath. If something was going to be worse than running away, she definitely was going to be scared by what /s4s/ said next.

"I thought a-about...hurting myself i-in...in a way th-that I diiiiie..." /s4s/ let out a pained, heartbreaking cry as she said the last word, and broke down in /ck/'s arms again. "Ohhhh, Gooood...it was horribuhuhuhhhle...I r-really thought about i-i-it..."

_"She was having suicidal thoughts...actual suicidal thoughts. Oh my_ _God,"_ /ck/ thought, alarm bells ringing in her head.  _"She shouldn't even know what suicide is at this age..."_

/s4s/ kept rambling, with every third word punctuated by a sob or a sniffle, or even a hiccup. "I-I really wanted to DIE! I'm just e...I'm just eleven! What did I do to deserve this!? Why can't I just...what's wrong with me!? I thought about death and running away! I wanted to die! I really wanted to die and I'm just...I-I'm just...I'm so p-pathetic..."

"Sweetie, calm down, calm down for me...breathe. Just breathe," /ck/ instructed, unable to hide the panic in her voice. "Breathe in, breathe out...you've said some very personal things, it's over now...breathe."

The girl, who was on the verge of hyperventilating, began to breathe in and out slowly. The panic that gripped her began to dissipate, and was soon replaced by a haunting, cold calm.

"I...I t-talk to Madoka and...she helped me...I never hurt myself...I'm a good girl..." she sniffled, trembling heavily.

/ck/ grabbed the plushie and pushed it into her arms. "Talk to her...tell her good things," she encouraged.

Swallowing, /s4s/ held Madoka up to her face, still shaking and full of dread. "Ma...Madoka, I...I'm a little scared...Madoka, I told /ck/ everything...I had bad thoughts to share...she knows how I felt, Madoka..." she said rapidly, distress plaguing her.

The woman tensed up and watched it play out in front of her.

"But...but, it's good...it's okay, Madoka...scary thoughts are gone," /s4s/ continued. "Gone for now...I had a scary panic attack.../ck/ helped me breathe. I'm breathing now...it's okay. It's okay. I still feel really sad...but /ck/'s gonna fix me up...I know it..."

/ck/ began to feel relieved. The distress that /s4s/ had just thirty seconds ago was calming down very fast. She felt empowered by /s4s/'s wishes.  _"I can fix her up. I do know that. And Madoka knows that, too."_

"She's gonna help me...I'll be happy again...I don't know when, Madoka, but I know she'll make me happy...just not now...I-I have to...I have to get rid of all my sadness and my bad thoughts," she drabbled. "I've got...a lot of sadness. I-I'm gonna keep crying but one day I won't cry...because /ck/'s gonna fix me, and you're gonna be happy when I'm fixed..."

She put Madoka down and stared down at the floor.

"You're a strong girl," /ck/ praised.

/s4s/ nodded, still looking dejected. "I still have b-bad thoughts..." she said.

"And we're going to beat them together," the woman promised.

The girl leaned forward, picking up her diaries.

"You need to read them," she said, putting the stack in /ck/'s lap.

/ck/ immediately rejected the idea. "I...I can't do that, honey. They're your diaries...they're your private..."

/s4s/ shook her head and interrupted /ck/. "You  _need_ to read them...I didn't lie in them...I-I wrote all my bad th-thoughts when they were happening...th-there's nothing in them that I don't, you know...want you to read..."

The woman looked at /s4s/. Her eyes were pleading to her, as if to tell her that she had to read them as if her life depended on whether or not she did.

"O-of course, dear...I'll read them..." she answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♫ Don't call it a comeback ♫


	5. Ramblin' Tan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /ck/ dives into the diaries while a certain somebody wonders what's happening.

"/s4s/, it's me! Let's hang out!" /c/ called out, knocking on the girl's door again.

No answer.

/c/ was mystified. She'd checked her kitty clock before she left her apartment and it showed her that the time was 2:53pm. She was supposed to meet /s4s/ at 3pm so that they could figure out what to do, but she wasn't answering the door. Had she forgotten? Was she sleeping? Was she in the shower?

"Uhhhh, I'm gonna come in now..." she said. /c/ was normally a well-behaved girl, so just entering somebody's apartment without their permission didn't sit well with her. However, /s4s/ wasn't answering, and she wanted to make sure everything was okay.

She opened the door and peered inside. No sign of activity whatsoever was apparent to her, so she stepped inside and looked around. There was an eerie silence in the apartment. She couldn't hear a shower running, so that eliminated an awkward encounter. All the lights and the appliances were turned off as well.

/c/ walked to the girl's bedroom. The door was ajar, a sign of activity. She didn't know if the girl was fast asleep, so she looked inside.

She wasn't in her bedroom either. The bed was well-made, save for the large imprint on the covers (and two seated imprints on the edge, oddly enough). /s4s/ had been there, /c/ thought. She walked around the bedroom, wondering if she'd fallen off the bed or was hiding. No good. The floor was bare. She looked under the bed, but /s4s/ wasn't there either. There was an absence of something in the room that did get /c/'s attention.

/s4s/'s Madoka plushie was missing.

She loved that plushie and would often play with her when /c/ was around. /c/ herself had Homura and Mami plushies and they would make up silly magical girl adventures with them, and one day she was going to get Kyoko, Sayaka and Kyubey plushies to finish the collection.

However, /s4s/ would always leave it on her bed whenever she wasn't using it, and she never took it out unless she was playing with a friend.

But since she was supposed to be hanging out with /s4s/ now, and she specifically said that she would come by, it made /c/ feel worried.

A quick check of the bathroom and any other nook and cranny that she thought /s4s/ could hide in later, /c/ felt even more worried. She wasn't anywhere in the apartment.

* * *

/ck/ picked up the first diary and opened it up to the first page. She glanced over at /s4s/, who lay curled up on the soft, holding onto her Madoka doll tightly. She appeared to be whispering to it.

The chef diverted her attention back to the diary and read the first page.

 

_January 14, 2016:_

_I got a diary today! I'm gonna write about so many things. I'm gonna talk about my day today! I got this ebin diary :^) and now...yeah! So, that's it, lole..._

 

She remembered encountering /s4s/ sometime around that date. /s4s/ wanted to show her a cake that she made because she messed it up and she didn't know why. A quick taste test and a scrunched face later, /ck/ quickly figured out the problem.

The "sugar" in the canister she found was actually salt.

A few days later, /s4s/ returned to show her another cake. This time, she hadn't mixed up the salt and the sugar, and a delicious (albeit messy) cake sat on the table.

/ck/ smiled. The cake wasn't too bad, and she even offered to help /s4s/ bake one with her. She declined. She said that she wanted to make it on her own and become a professional chef like her.

She flipped a few more pages in the diary. It was mostly just /s4s/ talking about her day, how she played with friends and spread the joy of memes, nothing that /ck/ found worrisome...

...until she got to around the middle of the year.

 

_June 29, 2016:_

_I don't understand why the other boards are so mean to me. I just want to make them happy :(_

_I showed /pol/ one of my favorite memes today. I drew a bury pink gril for him and I made her say "remember to be nice!" He got really angry and spoke the German words at me. He always speaks German words when he's angry. I don't know what a "far zhu herler" or a "mist curl" is but that's what he said to me and then he pointed at the door and told me to go away. I think they're bad words._

_He's always so angry but that's why I showed him my meme. He always talks about Pepe and meme magic but he doesn't like it when I show him my memes. I don't understand /pol/ :(_

_I went to /ic/ and showed him my meme. He told me it was..._

_I don't wanna say the words but they were bad. Then he told me to read Loo Miss and left._

_It's not fair. I only wanna make people happy. Why don't they want to be happy?_

_Oh well, they'll be happy someday :^) I still have lots of great friends to play with. I'm gonna make them happy just like me!_

 

"That damn rat..." /ck/ hissed. Even if she didn't know any German, she'd heard enough from /pol/ to know exactly what kind of language he was using to insult /s4s/.

She kept reading.

 

_August 9, 2016:_

_I don't like feeling upset._

_I think I'm making a lot of enemies with the other boards even though I don't want to...I don't know why._

_I've been called some really bad words by other boards whenever I try to make them happy. I looked up some of the things /pol/ calls me and they're really bad. They're so hurtful!_

_I still have my friends though...I'm always happy around my friends._

_But I still feel upset._

 

/ck/ felt her heart wrench. She knew where this was going to go, but still, she didn't like how she was going to end up there.

 

_October 25, 2016:_

_What's wrong with me :(_

_I woke up today and I didn't feel like doing anything with my friends. I stayed in my room all day and I thought about things._

_Things like why other boards get angry when I show them memes. Is it my fault? Or is it the memes?_

_I guess it's the memes. I'm gonna find out why memes make them angry._

 

_October 26, 2016:_

_I don't know why memes make people angry. I'm gonna find out, I just know it._

_I didn't come out of my room again._

 

_October 27, 2016:_

_I get it now..._

 

October 27, 2016.

/ck/ knew that this was the date everything went downhill.

She pressed on.

 

_November 10, 2016:_

_I just thought something like right now and now I'm scared._

_My whole life I've done nothing but talk about stupid memes and point at numbers. That was my whole life. Memes. And now I don't have memes. I have nothing._

_I'm nothing._

_My whole life is nothing._

_My whole life is a big mistake._

 

_November 11, 2016:_

_What am I gonna tell my friends? I'm nothing now. I've been stupid for my whole life. They think I'm some funny memelord still but that's not who I am any more!!! I'm just a stupid kid who liked stupid things!_

_No. I can't. I don't want to tell them. But they're gonna play with me. I guess I gotta lie :(_

 

_November 12, 2016:_

_I lied to my friends today. They still think I'm happy and like memes._

_I had to pretend to be who I used to be. It hurts. Every time I look at a meme, I have bad thoughts. I think about how stupid I am. I feel like crying but I can't. I have to smile when I don't want to, laugh when I don't want to...I don't want to live like that..._

_But I lied to my friends. I don't want to be caught..._

_I guess I have to keep lying now :(_

 

She skipped ahead to the last few entries.

 

_December 29, 2016:_

_I woke up crying again. I've been doing that for a week now. It doesn't get any better, I just feel terrible. I don't want to do this any more. I'm so scared. I'm a liar and they're gonna find out one day. I hate myself. I hate my life._

_I made the worst decision ever. I'm so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

 

December 30 and 31 were the same: the word "stupid" repeated over and over again.

/ck/ closed the diary and placed it on the coffee table.

"Three years," she said quietly.

/s4s/ shuffled a little bit as /ck/ picked up the next diary. She quickly flicked through it and noticed that the majority of pages towards the back were completely empty.  _"Sporadic entries, perhaps..."_ she wondered.

 

_February 28, 2017:_

_I can't do it any more. I have to run away and never return. My life sucks. I go to sleep crying and wake up crying and have to pretend to be a whole different person and I CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY!_

 

_March 1, 2017:_

_I didn't run away._

_I'm a coward._

_Stupid stupid coward and an idiot, a stupid freakin idiot. ~~Stupid memes~~ I ruined my life but stupid memes ruined it too. I HATE EVERYTHING AND I HATE MYSSELF I WANNA RUNAWAY BUTICAN'T RUN IM A COWARD_

 

Just reading /s4s/ having breakdowns in her own diary entries gave /ck/ chills.

There were no entries for a month, but a few more entries about the girl's self-decline (including more promises to run away that never happened) appeared to have been written between April and June, followed by another month-long break.

 

_August 26, 2017:_

_I have a new friend and her name is Madoka. She's a toy. She's so soft and fluffy. She listens to me cry. I think she talks back to me._

_Now I have someone to talk to...nobody else has to know._

_Just Madoka._

 

"Madoka..." /ck/ whispered, glancing at the plush that /s4s/ kept a strong hold of.

 

_November 30, 2017:_

_Maybe if I hurt myself I'll just die and never have to worry again and I'll feel so much better._

_No_

_No_

_No_

_No bad thought_

_NO NO NO_

 

/ck/ didn't want to believe it when /s4s/ told her, but there it was in scratchy, panicked writing (stained with tear drops and scribbles); thoughts about suicide that entered her head.

 

_December 1, 2017:_

_i cant believe it i really thought about death._

_that was awful. i'm an awful person. i wanted to die._

_i hate this. i hate what i am. i hate being me. i hate it all._

_but i can't stop lying. i want my friends to be happy. they don't want to be friends with a liar and that'll make it worse and then i might really do it. i have to do it every day. for the rest of my life._

_my stupid life._

_i keep talking to madoka every night._

_she protects me from nightmares._

 

That was the last entry in the 2017 diary.

/ck/ didn't want to keep reading. She placed the diary down and moved in close to /s4s/, petting her head gently.

"Do the really bad thoughts still come to you?" she asked gently.

/s4s/ nodded and sniffled. "Running away...comes to my mind a lot...but I don't do it, I make it go away," she replied quietly. "The dying ones...are really rare but, they still happen...I haven't thought about it in a while..."

The chef stood up and picked up the diaries. "These are really, well...they're sensitive, sweetie," /ck/ replied. "I know you want me to read them...and I will...but not now, okay?"

The girl nodded and sat up. "It's okay. I know they're scary. I don't want to hurt you..." she sighed.

"No, no, you didn't hurt me. I'm just a little...overwhelmed by it all," /ck/ replied, just as she heard a knock at the door. "Be back in a second."

/ck/ put the diaries back down and walked to the door. She opened it slightly, making sure /s4s/ stayed hidden from view. Nobody was in front of her until she looked down.

"Hi, /ck/," replied /c/.

_"Oh, she's one of /s4s/'s friends. Best friend, maybe..."_ /ck/ thought. "Hello, dear. Is something the matter?"

/c/ stood still with her hands clasped behind her back. "Ummmm...have you seen /s4s/ anywhere?" she asked.

The chef held her breath. "Uh, I'm afraid not, dear...but I'll be on the lookout for her, don't you worry," /ck/ lied.

"Oh, thank you!" /c/ replied happily, smiling widely. She raised a hand up to her face and held her chin. "Um, also...I wanna give her something nice when I see her. Do you have any cookies?"

_"Shit shit shit shit shit...think fast!"_

"Ahhhh...hold on one minute, I'll have to check the kitchen," she lied, closing the door and scrambling to the sofa, taking /s4s/ by surprise.

"Wh-what's-"

Before she could keep talking, /ck/ placed a finger across her lips.

"It's /c/..." she whispered. "She doesn't know you're here but she wants to get cookies for you."

/s4s/'s eyes widened in horror. "No...no...I forgot I was gonna see her today...I can't see her..." she whispered back, holding her head in her hands. "I can't do it now...I can't do it now...I've messed up so bad..."

"Shhhh, shhhh...hide under my bed. I'll handle her," /ck/ promised.

The girl nodded, picked up her diaries, and quietly walked to the bedroom. Once she was sure she was safe, /ck/ composed herself and opened the door again.

"I do have cookies. Why don't you come in? I have many different kinds," she said, inviting the girl inside.

/c/ skipped inside daintily, looking around the apartment with interest, while /ck/ went to the kitchen and looked through her pantries.

"Do you have any preferences, dear? There's a lot of different cookies...anything /s4s/ likes?" she called out.

The young girl turned around and skipped into the kitchen. "Oooooh...I'll have a look. There's gotta be some nice ones /s4s/ would like," /c/ wondered aloud.

/ck/ smiled and picked the girl up, setting her down on the counter. "So, what are you up to? Were you going to have fun with /s4s/ today?" she inquired.

/c/ kicked her legs around and looked down. "Yeah, but that's the thing...I can't find her anywhere," she said, feeling down. "We were gonna play today but she wasn't in her room, and I've asked everybody but they haven't seen her!"

The chef grabbed a few boxes of cookies and set them down. "That is strange. Perhaps she's out with another friend," she replied, hoping to ease /c/.

"Nuh-uh...she told me yesterday we were gonna meet at three o'clock...but she's gone, and so is her Madoka plushie!" she replied. "I'm starting to get worried...she usually leaves it on her bed, but if she's gone, she must have taken it with her."

/ck/ tried to change the subject, distracting the girl from her worries and holding up a few boxes of cookies. "I have these chocolate chip cookies...ooh, some tea cakes, and these black and white cookies. She might like these ones," she replied, holding one out to /c/.

The girl took it and munched on both sides of the cookie. She smiled. "Wow, thethe are good!" she replied ecstatically. "She's gonna love these cookies!"

"Hmmm, I guess you've made up your mind, then," /ck/ chuckled, grabbing a Ziploc bag and placing six cookies inside. "Keep them fresh until you find her, okay?"

/c/ took the Ziploc bag and jumped off of the counter. "Thanks so much, /ck/!" she replied happily, hugging the chef around the waist before running out of the kitchen and leaving without closing the door. "Thanks for the cookies!"

/ck/ walked over to the door and closed it. She leaned forward and sighed deeply, knowing that there was a new problem for /s4s/ to deal with. She straightened up and walked to her bedroom, and knelt down to see /s4s/ shaking under the bed.

"She's gone, honey."

/s4s/ curled up, bringing her knees to her chest, and whimpered. "I forgot I made plans...I forgot I made plans...what am I gonna do..."

The woman flattened herself onto the floor, laying on her stomach, and reached out to hold /s4s/'s cheek. "I'm going to be honest, sweetie...there's only one thing you can do," /ck/ explained glumly. "She's not going to find you and that's going to make her even more worried."

Immediately, the young girl knew what that meant.

"No...no...I'm not ready...I can't do it..." /s4s/ cried, holding her head and closing her eyes as the tears poured out. "I can't...I can't..."

"You  _can_ do it," /ck/ promised. "If you keep waiting, you'll worry everybody else. They'll start looking for you. They'll find you. And if they do, you either have to pretend to be happy or tell the truth to everybody."

Horror filled the young girl, and she began to hyperventilate. "No no no no...not everybody...please, no! Not everybody! I can't do it now! You gotta help me! PLEASE!" she begged, crawling forward and out from under the bed. She grabbed /ck/ and held her tightly, sobbing into her dress.

/ck/ held her and rubbed her back. "The only thing you can do is tell /c/," she promised. "Only she has to know. She's the only person you've been in contact with recently. She'll keep your secret. She won't be mad at you."

"Promise me..." /s4s/ whimpered, raising a pinky finger.

The chef linked her own pinky finger with the girl's. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every hit I get on this story is a dollar to #TeamTrees
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm not the one donating. Everybody else is.


End file.
